Boundaries, Deal Breakers, and Realizing Nothing is Personal

“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.” – Don Miguel Ruiz

This seems to be my life lesson, or at least a very common theme. How about you? Do you ever get caught in the trap of taking something someone else does or says personally?

I am realizing, and it is very freeing, that people do and say what they do because of what is going on inside of themselves. We always have choices as to how we will respond to other people, and their effect on us.

See, here’s the deal. More often than not, we get caught up in the actions of other people, and thinking that their behavior has something to do with us. I remember a long time ago, when I was married, my husband (at the time) liked to get drunk. Coming from an alcoholic family, I tried to explain to him that heavy drinking brought up a lot of pain for me. He didn’t get it, and we would fight all the time about this situation.

Until one day, I decided to take care of myself. I realized that him wanting to get drunk had nothing to do with me, and it certainly had nothing to do with my family. He was his own person, and he had his own reasons for wanting to drink. However, excessive drinking did not sit well with me, and so I needed to set a personal boundary. I said to him, “It is fine if you choose to get drunk, but if you do, please don’t come home because I don’t want myself or my children exposed to it.”

This boundary pissed my husband off, but again, his anger had nothing to do with me. It was his anger, and his perception of the situation that he was reacting to. Since then, I have learned we have basically three ways to deal with another person’s behavior.

1. We can accept their behavior and not take it personally. This requires us to release judgment and understand that everyone is different and lives their own lives and makes their own choices based on what they have experienced in life.
2. We can set boundaries if their behavior is hurting us in some way. Although their behavior probably isn’t intentional, our old wounds can sometimes create the need to set personal boundaries.
3. We can define our deal breakers. What behaviors in other people are absolute deal breakers for us?

I have been wrestling with these options lately in the dating scene. Some women have expressed their deal breakers with me. Sappho 2 couldn’t be partners with me because I didn’t know enough about current events and politics. Dapper ended our dating because she couldn’t understand why I would move away from my children. Even though both of these deal breakers affected me and apparently had something to do with me, they really weren’t about me. These women were looking for something different than what I could offer in partnership.

I used to think something was wrong with me because of who I was, and the choices I made. But I realized that I have made the choices I have made, and have the limitations that I have because of the life I have lived. No one has walked in my shoes, and I haven’t walked in anyone else’s shoes. So I do not judge the choices other people make, even when it looks personal.

Recently, I started dating a woman I like. She is fun, attentive, cute, financially successful and much more. But after kissing her, I suspect that she is a smoker. Personally, I don’t smoke. I used to, but I quit when I was 23 years old. I value health and wouldn’t dare inhale nicotine into my body. Do I understand the addiction? Of course! But I am not sure to what extent I can tolerate smoking.

So the question I have to wrestle with is “Can I be partners with someone who smokes?” Is a boundary sufficient for protecting myself from the taste and the second hand smoke? Or is this a deal breaker for me? Whatever choice I make, it is completely about me. It is no reflection of the woman I am dating. She is still a wonderful woman with all the great qualities I have mentioned. There are other women out there that have no issues with smoking.

The point I am trying to make is that nothing anyone ever says or does is ever about you. They may try to make it about you, and it may feel like it’s about you, but it isn’t. We all live in our own minds, in our own beliefs, in our own limitations, and in our own dreams. What matters is whether or not you can accept and understand another person’s behavior, have the need to set boundaries around that behavior, or whether their behavior is a deal breaker for you.

It really is that simple.