There is something I have been pondering lately. It’s a conundrum that I have historically found baffling. But I think I am beginning to understand how you can both take action and let go, at the same time. And it involves attachment.
In the past, I have been very good at taking action. One might say I was a high achiever, a go getter type of gal. But even though I was good at initiating and doing all the “necessary” steps to achieve what I wanted, I didn’t always get rewarded with what I set out to receive.
Take dating for instance. I have been actively engaged in online dating for about 18 months now. I have taken action. I wink at women. I respond to emails from other women. I even will initiate an online conversation or suggest a coffee date. But I have yet to meet the love of my life.
At the same time, I study spiritual topics and one of my favorites to learn about is the art of letting go. I think it fascinates me because I don’t let go very easily, and I am intrigued with how those peaceful, go with the flow kind of people do that.
When I first started to practice letting go, I would just take “no action”. I equated letting go with not caring. So if I didn’t care, why would I take any action to achieve something I wanted? But there was a tiny problem with that line of thinking. I couldn’t ignore the fact that most of the time I really did care.
As a matter of fact, one would say I probably cared too much. So what did I do? I took more action to try and control the outcome. And the more I controlled, the more I repelled what I wanted away from me. I have spent a lot of emotional and physical energy getting caught in the cycle of doing, doing, doing and getting nothing, nothing, nothing.
So I began asking myself the question “How does one continue to care, take action, and still practice letting go?” And I’ve discovered it’s all in the balance and the management of the mind and emotions. Let me explain.
If we care too much, our emotions are in charge, and we will often do more than is needed or wanted to achieve a particular outcome. That is why we need to call in the mind to remind us that we are not in charge of anything but ourselves. So if there is anything you want that involves other people, you are not in control of the outcome. You might think that you are, but you are not. Anything, nothing and everything can happen when other people are involved.
On the other hand, if you completely detach and not care at all, you are unlikely to take a whole lot of action towards the goal you are trying to achieve. Detachment can signal a need to protect yourself from hurt, an apathy towards something that was once important to you, or just the process of giving up completely. At that level of energy, it’s not likely anything good will come your way.
Where is the middle ground? It’s in a technique I learned in coaching school called detached involvement. Detached involvement is the process of being emotionally involved enough to take action, but completely detached from the outcome or results. It’s almost as if you let go of expectations, do only things you “want” to do, and become super good at taking care of yourself.
Let me give you an example.
The other day my older son called me complaining about how much money he owed to the Illinois Toll Association. He was frustrated because he just got his first job out of college, and his first paycheck was practically spent on paying past tolls. In earlier days, I would have been very attached to trying to teach my son how to better manage his money, and how to solve his problems.
I care about my son, and how he was feeling. I could hear his frustration, and I acknowledged and validated his experience. I helped him with the information he was seeking (took action), but after the phone call, I let go. I didn’t follow up with him to see if he did what he was supposed to do. I didn’t get wrapped up in his emotions. And I am completely detached from whether or not he solves this problem, or even prevents this from happening in the future.
Finding that balance between taking action and letting go is a work in progress for me. Sometimes I stumble and fall flat on my face. Other times I float through life with peace and bliss because I have perfected that balance in a specific situation. But there is one thing I have learned. It never works to try too hard, or to become emotionally uninvolved. Neither is healthy for our spirit or state of mind.
So every day, I get up and strive to take “enough” action to propel things forward, but then stay unattached from the effects of those actions. I pay attention to when I am giving too much, and I stop because I love myself. It is then, and only then, that I feel the peace of letting go coupled with the joy of moving forward.
And it never hurts to just be pleasantly surprised and blessed by what the Universe puts in front of you.
Tags: achieving goals, learning to let go, online dating, taking action, the process of letting go
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