So Many Fish in the Sea

After looking back over the past two and a half years of “adult dating”, I’ve had a big realization: I always pick the same guy. I don’t mean they all look alike, but to put it in terms of the animal kingdom, I tend to pick sharks (not to malign the men I’ve dated or the shark species). Not all the same type of shark, maybe one guy was a hammerhead and another one a tiger shark, maybe a mako every now and then, or an occasional great white. But all sharks never the less. Even though they’re packaged differently, there are always two things in common:  1) He’s the alpha male and, and 2 )he’s somehow unavailable. Let me explain.

I’ve realized that the guys that I’m naturally attracted to are the ones with the big personality, they are dominant (though it isn’t always in the same way, but consistently I’ve picked the dominant type), they’re in control (or are they controlling?). They’ve all had similar physical characteristics, I tend to like taller and/or bigger guys. Big and tall is even better! And consistently they are unavailable to me either emotionally or physically, or both, though I don’t usually realize that initially. But guess what? I’ve started to realize that even though that’s who I’m attracted to, that’s not really the kind of guy I like! (it has only taken me 53 years to figure that out!)

Last year, I branched out and dated a guy who was more of a mackerel than a shark. But he fit the mold mostly. He didn’t have a big personality, but he was tall (and hairy! A bonus!), and sexually we were very compatible. But he was unavailable emotionally. I’m so familiar with that! It took me a year to figure out that that was really how he was, he wasn’t holding back, he just didn’t have anything more to offer. At least not to me.

Recently I dated a guy who, on paper, had all the qualities I liked: he was really tall, smart, good sense of humor, confident, naughty (another bonus!). But he also worked 80+ hours a week, was recently divorced and still had kids at home. And he wasn’t really that great of a kisser, and sexually, though he had great stamina, he didn’t have much as far as technique goes. After a few weeks I realized that the good qualities he had did not mitigate the reality of his situation. Once again, I chose the alpha male (one day he was on a Cub Scout camp out with his son and the next day he was having a one-on-one meeting with the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. To me, that is so hot!), and he was totally unavailable to me. Not that I need 24/7 companionship, but I would like to come in at least the top 5 of priorities! I realized that even though I liked a lot of things about him, there was limited potential for any kind of really intimate relationship, at least in his current situation. So I cut my losses.

I’m trying to be more mindful of what I’m doing when I’m dating now. I’m trying to look a little deeper. If I stick with what I’ve always been drawn to, I’m more than likely going to keep getting the same results I’ve gotten so far, which really aren’t all that satisfying. So I’m concentrating on looking at fish other than sharks. Maybe a tuna or grouper. Or maybe a freshwater fish, like a salmon. But the bottom line is, even though the pool is considerably smaller in your 50s than in your 20s, there are still plenty of fish in the sea. You just have to be willing to try something different (doesn’t have to be radically different, I’m not saying to suddenly develop a thing for horses or cats, just a different type of fish!). So switch up your bait and re-cast that line and see what you come up with. And don’t throw it back immediately if it isn’t your familiar type. You’ll never know if you like swordfish if you never try it!