Search and Destroy Mission: Battling Unwanted Body Hair

Unfortunately, I’ve always had a little more hair than I liked. I was cursed with a unibrow, and have been trying to pluck my eyebrows into submission since I was about 12. You’d think by now they’d have just given up and refused to keep growing, but no. In addition, my eyebrow hair  has started getting longer, somewhat like an old man’s. So every five weeks when I get my hair cut, I also make an appointment with the esthetician to get my eyebrows trimmed and waxed. And sometimes tinted, because they’ve also decided to sprout a few gray hairs.

I’m not one of the fortunate girls who have soft, blond hair on their legs and arms. I have black hair, and when it grows out (i.e. the next day) it feels like porcupine quills. I have to shave my legs every day in the summer,  and every other day, or if I’m being lazy and can wear long pajamas, every third  day in the winter.

About 10 years ago, one of my friends told me she shaved her arms. I had never considered doing that, but hated the dark hair on my arms, though it’s not like it was man-hairy, but I just didn’t like it. So I started shaving my arms. I love the smoothness. But….after a day or two I notice the stubble. I’ve also tried Nair, but it doesn’t really work any better for me, and once I tried waxing it myself. I do not recommend that!!

As I got closer to 50, I noticed an occasional black hair or two on my chin. I’d just pluck them out. Well, about two years ago, I started taking hormone replacement therapy, and the testosterone that has so many other wonderful benefits (increased sex drive, for one), also evidently contributes to increased hair growth. So now the one or two hairs on my chin have called out a militia. At first, I could keep them under submission by shaving. However, over time, the area of my beard increased (think Shaggy from Scooby Doo), then, what was once peach fuzz on my upper lip joined the fray, so that left untreated I’d be sporting a full goatee. To make matters worse, the speed  of its growth also increased. Soon, I swear to God, I had a 5:00 shadow. While I think that’s pretty sexy on a guy, I do not think it’s sexy on me! So now, once a month I go get my goatee zapped with the laser. If you’ve never had laser treatment, it feels something like touching fire to your face multiple times in a row. But I’d rather do that than walk around with a beard.

I’ve also grown a happy trail. That’s right, the line of hair from your belly button to the pubic area. Hot on a guy, not so hot on a woman. So I get that lasered too. And to add insult to injury, mother nature saw fit to give me a few hairs around my nipples. Because for some reason I’m not as vigilant about that area, by the time I find them, they’re usually about an inch long. There are only about 8 or 10 total so I can control them with plucking. But plucking your nipples?? Seriously, that’s just unfair.

When I was married and actively avoiding sex, I was blissfully unaware of the current trend of removing pubic hair. I always kept it trimmed (with scissors) and shaved the bikini area daily. I thought that was adequate. Turns out it’s not. A friend of mine informed me about personal trimmers for women so I began experimenting with that. As I began to have sex again, I discovered that most guys are man-scaping. Some shaving chest hair (I don’t like that), all of them trimming their pubic hair (though thank God, not shaving! I do not want to have sex with someone who looks like a pre-pubescent child with an erection!). I realized I needed to up my game, so I shaved all but a strip. Let’s just say that shaving pubic hair is a dangerous task. If you’re not careful, you could end up circumcising yourself. Plus pubic hair grows at near warp speed, so within 24 hours you’re all stubbly.

Next I tried the most painful and humiliating experience ever performed on a woman – a Brazilian wax. I’ve done that twice now. The first time was by an overweight, 30-something woman. She did a great job, put me at ease, told me what she was doing and talked a lot to distract me. I tried to have an out of body experience while she was applying hot wax to my cooter and then ripping it off, but it was still embarrassing and hurt like hell. The place I go also includes “the baboon” with a Brazilian. Oh the humanities! Nothing like getting the hair ripped out of your butt crack.  I just did it the second time the other day. This time I got a cute, perky 22 year old. I’m sure she wanted to weep when she got a good look at what happens to your nether regions after 30 years and 3 kids. She was a professional, but her youth upped the embarrassment factor for me. I really needed a stick to bite on while she was ripping the wax off. I like the result you get immediately after a wax, but within about a week the hair starts growing back. It’s not as stubbly as shaved hair, but there is just no way I can go a full month and let all that hair grow back, so I’ve shaved  in between waxes. The waxing logistics are also challenging,  it means going 10 – 14 days without sex to let the hair grow out enough. I haven’t figured out the best way  to handle that yet. But one thing I have decided, the next time I go for a wax, I’m going to drink a glass –  or maybe a bottle – of wine first!