Attention Ikea Shoppers!

Dear Ikea shoppers,

I now have strong evidentiary proof that ALL children (and by children, I mean anyone under the age of 18, possibly even 21), universally, HATE shopping at Ikea, and so do most husbands. It causes them to dissolve into weeping, shrieking lumps. Well, that’s mostly the kids. Husbands become morose and bitter. Please, I beg you, leave your darlings at home, or at least in the play area (sorry, that’s just for kids).

While you may be immune to the rampages of your children brought on by too much shopping, I don’t tolerate it nearly as well. How can I be so callous you ask? Easy. I had those children. They are grown now. They were the kind of kids, who before they were born, I’d see at the store and think “I would never allow my children to behave that way”.  All I can say is I was foolish. I congratulated myself when my daughter was young, thinking I had the secret to parenting because she was such a compliant and well-behaved child. Then came my sons. They were neither compliant, nor well behaved. It didn’t matter what methods I deployed. They HATED going shopping. So I left them home. They never set foot in the grocery store or the mall, and rarely even Target, until they were teenagers. Trust me, we (and by we, I mean me, my kids and anyone else who might have encountered us) were all much better off that way.

But if you insist on bringing your progeny shopping, is it possible you can keep them from laying on all the furniture? I know you’re looking at something else, but perhaps I wanted to look at that sofa that your precious is wallowing all over, soaking with its tears and crusting with its snotty nose.

When your little soldier collapses in despair in the middle of the aisle, please don’t go about your business thinking they’ll eventually get up and come to you. They won’t! They are wounded by the experience. Deploy the military philosophy of “No Man Left Behind”, and go back and get them!

Also, while you may have nothing to do but leisurely stroll the aisles of Ikea on a Sunday, I am on a shopping mission. I want to get in and out because I still have a two hour drive home. With that in mind, perhaps you and your husband and toddler could avoid spreading out across the entire aisle, walking at the pace of the toddler. I know she doesn’t want to be in the cart (and that she HATES Ikea), and that she just learned how to walk, and that she’s the most adorable creature you’ve ever seen…but you’re all  impeding my progress and making me cranky! Be courteous to other shoppers who may not have planned to spend seven hours today meandering through Ikea.

In order that we might all have a more pleasant shopping experience, or at least a less miserable one,  I implore you to try my strategy and leave those little dumplings at home!

Thank you ever so much –
Aphrodite